I sense that class today felt frustrating to quite a few of you.
We've been trying in the role play to let you experience first hand what it would mean to
- reflect feeling
- rephrase content
when empathic listening is needed.
We've talked about the importance of empathic listening when both:
- trust is low
- emotion is high
Yet we're still developing skills in this area that is so critical to relationship and leadership success. Because this is a skill seldom learned by people it is helpful to understand that while we are still just moving past level 2, you will learn to be at 4 as part of this class:
4. Unconscious Competence
3. Conscious Competence
2. Conscious Incompetence
1. Unconscious Incompetence
18 comments:
I love Interpersonal because it is so fun and I always leave class in a good mood feeling like I’ve learned something that can improve my life and relationships. Today was different though. It didn’t seem like fluffy stuff that would be easy to implement or weird stuff that no one would ever do, no, it was really complicated and frustrating, and I LOVED it!!!
Empathic listening. I thought I had it covered, thought I understood what it was, but boy was I wrong! In our little scenario, I’m almost scared to take my turn because I don’t know how to handle it yet. The biggest problem for me is learning how to put my agenda aside and still have something to say to the other person. When Becky, Ryan, and Chris were all getting their turn being the disappointed employer I tried to listen to what they were saying and how I would change it, but I wasn’t anywhere close to being an empathic listener, even from the side! I think I’m at a point where I can put away questions that might be probing too deeply for the situation, but I still don’t understand what I CAN do. Every time I thought of something to say it ended up being a question, or something that wouldn’t be helpful in the situation.
The best thing about the lesson today is that it’s something I’m really going to have to work hard at to improve. As I left class I was talking to my friend Mark about his day and he asked what we did in this class, so that was a perfect opportunity for me to have my teaching moment. It was kind of frustrating because I told him what we had done today, but I wasn’t sure what else to do, and I think he could see how into it I was. I hope by Wednesday I can have a better grasp of the concept of empathic listening and how to truly put my agenda aside.
This class amazes me more and more each time I go. I learn so much. I thought I understood empathic listening but as we talked about it I realized I was thoroughly lost. I had no idea what was going on and was having a really hard time understanding the principle of empathic listening. The longer I listened though and watched I think I finally got it. I guess it just seemed really awkward at first to think that it would actually work and that you had to talk like that. It looked unnatural but I guess it is just one of those things that takes practice. We also talked about our emotions being like an onion, having all of the layers that protect the soft inner core. Each layer has its own lock that you have to get the key to. Through talking to the person you can attain the key needed to open the lock but then you still have to be careful what you say because if you say something wrong they will lock it back up along with the layers you have already managed to open. I really liked that example because it just made so much sense and it now makes sense why you can’t just use autobiographical responses all the time. You need to be aware of the other person and where the balance of your emotional bank account is with them.
To be honest , I wish I could say I enjoyed the class on Monday but I left so frustrated. There would be a moment in the class where I would feel as if I am getting it; however, that was shot down quickly. The most important thing I learned is how frustrating communication is. Every time I talk to someone I want to use questions, and that is not the most effective way. Brother Adams said, “We get so caught up in What is... is important to us not about what is important to them.” I guess in order to have the mind set of empathic listening, we need to rephrase content accurately and never probe. Probing is only effective when trust is high and emotion is low. Also, he talked about setting a space between stimulus and response. Too often we react to situations instead of using that space to be proactive in our thinking. When we are proactive in our thoughts, we can communicate with others more effectively instead of just efficiently. I have noticed in my life, when I am proactive I am happier and that attitude affects other in a positive way.
I am completely lost. I'd rather just be completely upfront with someone, then ask them to be upfront with me, and if they won't, then I wouldn't waste time manipulating them into talking to me.
This was a really frustrating class for me - already I'm having problems understanding the why's, and know I have noc lue what we are supposed to do - what's the next step?
A typical argument in the Chapman household.
"What's wrong, Brookie?"
"I'm just really upset."
"Why?"
"Because when you said ____ it hurt my feelings! That was so mean of you to say!"
"No one can make you feel bad without you letting them, Brooke. You just need to calm down and snap out of it."
Long silent pause
"Okay, you're right. I'm sorry I got mad."
"It's okay. I will try not to say things like that anymore."
Conflict, resolved.
Why not just do it this way? no hidden feelings, no placing blame (or if there is blame placed, the blame-er quickly fixes his/her mistake)...
life would be easier if people would just BE UPFRONT!
I think after Monday's class, BroAdams should perhaps bring us parfaits, because you know, not everybody likes onions.
Okay, so I've gathered that everyone has a soft inner core. Based on the plant life around my home, I know that even pine cones have a soft inner core. And so we're supposed to get to that. But the kicker is, we're supposed to get to there without having that as our agenda. Okay! Are we all lost yet? Good. You've obviously been attending.
Once again, we've addressed the Emotional Bank Account concept, this time especially geared toward these lovely high emotion, low trust situations. We've been told it's good to rephrase content told to us like a good faithful translator (like Lassie's family, who can *always* interpret Lassie's barking as a sure sign that Timmy has fallen in the well again, and the bank is about to foreclose on the farm and those muffins that Ma has made should be disposed of because they have high levels of saturated fat), but it's bad to parrot all the time. It's good to pick up on nuance but bad to read between the lines. It's good to recognize feelings but bad to interpret them. It's good to reflect back feeling, but bad to probe or evaluate. Things were so much simpler back in Lassie's day.
So with the role play, which I really have lost all grasp on, what with trying to remember who "Brad" is in relation to my hypothetical self, and now with the Bob/Tom identity crisis or whatever, and Brad being all distraught about Bob (but we're not allowed to ask the question we're all thinking; "What about Bob??" because then Brad puts the padlocks back on his onion layers, though I don't think I've ever seen an onion with locks in it. Maybe there's one coming soon to the Spori gallery?). So we're left with these terribly awkward situations wherein the brave souls who try to talk to this guy are stuck saying "So you feel embarrassed" and then Brad goes "Yeah." AND THEN WHERE CAN YOU GO?? "....Uh. So you're way embarrassed."
"I didn't say that." And the emotional lockdown repeats.
Can't we just get a locksmith or something?
I guess part of the point is that sometimes people want to talk about something, but it's in their soft inner core and so they beat around the bush (or onion, or cake or parfait, or whatever), and we want things to be comfortable because it's inconvenient to be uncomfortable, and we try to establish that comfort by agreeing with them thinking it'll get us onto the same page. But we're told not to do that. But we're also told to reflect back feeling. But how can you do that without interpreting feeling??
I have really been appreciating this class becuase I love communication. I love to talk to people and I love to listen and I thought I knew how, but apparently I didn't. I am hopeful however that I am catching on to what empathic listening is. I was struggling becuase I know that in our hypothetical situation the trust is low and the emotion is high. Now, from what I percieve, the emotion will not equalize until Brad is able to speak his feelings, he can't do this until the trust goes up and slowly layers of onion are carefully unlocked, so I was very confused about how in the world you are supposed to establish a strong trust with someone by only empathically listening, I've always been one to say something to establish trust and then listen. From class however, I am learing that you establish the first keys of trust by carefully listening and proving that you care by repeating back. It is very simple and very complex at the same time, which I find intriguing. I was thinking more about the onion analogy, and when you cut into an onion, the sulfuric acid is released causing your eyes to burn. I think that this is also applicable. When you are trying to unlock layers with someone, it can be painful for both, but you're not cutting into them, that is what would really be painful for both, lots of acid, burning eyes, you know how it goes, but by peeling the layers back with empathic listening it becomes less intrusive and more effective.
In class on Monday, I was really frusterated with the empathic listening thing. I honestly don't know how to do it and as I was listening to the other classmates try to work out the problem, I listened to what they were saying and thought that they were doing it but I was wrong. I don't know what to say to make the situation better without probing and asking questions about why he wasn't at work on that day. I still have a lot to learn, but Brother Adams said something about us being at the Conscious Incompetent stage, and I definately am feeling that incompetence.
Today's class was pretty chill. Again, learned some things that can make me a better communicator.
One of the points Bro. Adams mentioned was how people trusts us when there is a high EBA. The more we deposit, the higher the trust fund is. One of the ways we can do this is through rephrasing the content ACCURATELY. This has worked really well for me (but I do not want to use this with kids from our class since they'll know what I am up to--being empathetic).
Parroting in the other hand will annoy people and give you withdrawals from the EBA. I have done this too especially with girls I don't care and they ended up not caring eventually at the conversation.
Then Bradams summed up the class with this statement (concerning empathetic listening):
"We get caught up with our "what is" than other people's "what is".
True dat.
I want to reply to blogs(because he told us to) but I don't see the reply button.
But I will use this time to agree with Brooke. Like her, I really like to be upfront. It's so much easier. But as we all know, to have good relations with people, you have to play the empathetic game. It's true. Mission says so.
I call it public relations.
I almost kinda think that im catching just a glimpse of what is going on with BOB OR TOM...This last class period we had on mon. mad me realize how much im not a empathetic listener and just want the person to hear me out. I don’t like just talking about someone and their problems without adding in my own piece of info. I like to try to be on the same level by using examples of my life but I found out my job is to pretty much just sit back and give them my full attention. Im still trying to figure out how by me repeating back to them the exact same thing they tell me is going to help. I thought it was crazy at first but now I can see why it will work. It will work cause the person who is wanting to talk and VENT is just wanting to talk about there situation and nothing else. This is fun. I think its funny how we are all stuck in our ways.
In class on Monday, we finally got a little further in the role play. I thought that the turn the role play took was very interesting. For that past few weeks (that’s how long it’s been since we began), I’ve been thinking that the reason Brad missed the meeting over the weekend was because he was upset with Bob. I’m sure that assumption would have affected the way I’d communicate with him. Then, we learned that when Brad returned to work, it wasn’t his anger and resentment for Bob that was overwhelming him, but his shame at disappointing his mentor, Tom. Learning this changed the way Becky, Ryan, and Chris tried to communicate with him. When we listen and try to understand others, we need to leave judgments aside. When we assume things, we become blind to other things. For example, in class when Becky was recounting everything Brad said, she mentioned (which I’m sure most of us were thinking also) that Brad was afraid he’d lost his chance to become partner. This shut down the communication because it caused Brad wonder what else Becky was assuming. In class, we also observed (with a lot of frustration), that our motives always come out in our communication. The motivation that was hindering our communication this time was curiosity. What’s Brad feeling? Really, our main motivation should be to help Brad, not just finding out his feelings for curiosity’s sake. This week, I plan to teach these principles to my room mates.
I still feel pretty lost. Many of the student’s seem to be confused but at least they know what they are confused about. I don’t think I truly understand what I am lost from. I know that empathic listening requires no agenda and definitely no probing. But apparently that is the only way I know to communicate. Luckily I am attending this class and can remedy that. Knowing what I am doing wrong in any deep conversation is helpful but not always easy. Thankfully I am not the only one and can learn through other’s examples and gain some insight.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
NASA and Technology
Claudiu Bora
We have five areas of debate:
People
Organization
Market
Technology
Capital
We where part of the technology where we had.
1) Change
2) Operation
3) Strategic
Well first NASA didn’t make to much updates in the program which could affected the Columbia mission. They where aware about the updates and having some equipment since the 60 and 70s doesn’t really help to accomplish a mission.
Second the operation of the program didn’t run as well as they thought it will in a very critical situation. Mistake where made but the problem wasn’t totally there because the entire operation stumble aver more than one problem at the time. Took to much time to see the problem to consider the problem to resolve the problem and to get feedback and analyzed the problem.
Third as a strategy I think NASA didn’t had one they expected that things will be ok and that lead to a lot of panic when things didn’t go well. Having a back up plan will help a lot because they will be able to have a team ready to be able to report, react and act faster by having totally access to all the Channels of communication in NASA.
As a technology team in the class we all agreed that technology was a big part of the failure of Columbia but also of some other missions.
In the survey that we did out of the 20 question we evaluate NASA and we came up with 1been as a very poor job eight times with 2 one time with 3 nine times with 4 two times and with 5 one time. I think NASA is doing something good too is not a totally a disaster but there are a lot of area of concerns when is coming to the technology.
So we came up with some question:
1) What is the strategy to change NASA?
2) How is NASA going to deal with the future missions?
3) How we get people to trust the NASA program?
4) How will you plan to make people in the NASA to be heard from each level in the organization?
5) What will be the other ways too justifies the funding?
6) How will you organize better communications channels?
7) How often should NASA do upgrades?
8) Who decided that the technology is too old?
9) How much level of responsibility should be given to the staff?
10) How you will make people to communicate?
As a group we conclude it that the program itself is not very efficient because some of the founds are not very well manage and they end up no be invested in the areas where they should like technology. Without the advance technology is hard to be successful and have safe missions. I think NASA is gambling each time when they live technology not been a priority in the program. So I think that NASA should look to the program and as themselves where is NASA going to be ten years from now fifty years from now one hundred years from now.
http://claudiubora.blogspot.com/
On Monday we culminated all that we have learned so far and put it to the test in the role play. We learned that Brad’s emotions are high, but his trust with us is low, so we can’t use any listening style other than empathic listening. If we try to listen actively he will shut off and not remove his layers so we can see what’s in the center. The only way to do this is to mirror what he is saying but not just copy it right back. We have to process it, and then rephrase part of the content back to him. This will make it apparent that we are listening and striving to understand; however, we have to mirror his emotions as well. When he’s feeling discouraged or nervous you can’t be smiling. This shows that you’re not only trying to understand what he is saying, but what he is feeling. Often times we meet people that we don’t really know and don’t have a high emotional bank account with us yet. It is in these situations that we must use empathic listening. It doesn’t have to be about something serious or pressing. It could be about any casual thing and when you listen empathically your bank account with that person will grow. You don’t only have to use empathic listening with people you don’t know very well. Sometimes we may have a family member that we don’t have a very high bank account with and in those situations empathic listening would be the smart thing to do. There are people that I know I don’t have a healthy bank account with and I realize now how I can help them and get an accurate interpretation of why our relationship isn’t so healthy. I have heard of reflective listening before, but I have never learned it in such great detail. Now I know that reflective listening shouldn’t include questions, because that is probing. People don’t want to answer your questions; they just want to tell you what they want to talk about. This is something I’ve already been talking to people about as I’ve learned it the past couple of days. It’s a hard concept to accept at first.
Okay!! so Monday was a little frustrating and confusing to me as we comtinued to role play... I as other people in the class do not have the answers... I really liked the people are like onions analogy... you have to unlock each layer with the key of trust to get into the inner core. I think this is true however, how are we supossed to do this without I feel statements, probing for the answer, or any of the APIE. I know that I find myself probing a lot as I communicate with others to get to the "cracks of the Matter" I have realized however this is not the best way to go about this... I don't know the answer to the role play but I am excited to go forward and learn how we can unlock each layer of inner to get to the inner core.
Well, I'm back again. I'm finally figuring out this whole blogging thing. Considering this is the first time ever I've blogged it's not going to bad. Class was amazing again today. I had so much fun talking and learing as a class. I also really like how we always set up the chairs in a circle so we can all see each other. I just have to say, There are so many really pretty girls in our class. Guys, we sure are priviledged to be in this class. Not only are the girls gorgeous but nice and fun to chat with as well. Ok, back to what I learned that Brother Adams taught. Ok, I thought that I was a good empathic listener but I quickly found out that I wasn't as good at it as I thought. It is so hard not to start probing to try to get to the source of the issue. I learned that it's not about solving the issue but learning how to listen and show empathy. Or, show that I really care and understand what the person is talking about. It was fun to participate even though I didn't do to well. It was a learning experience. lol
One last post before am off to partay!
Empathic listening is not what i had expected to be. I found out i use part of empathic and part APIE when i advise people. Parroting is something i dont really use or know someone using it. It'll be interesting to see how to be empathic without probing and parroting back to the person. But one thing that did make sense was when being empathic, dont go back to the past. I didnt quite understand the rephrasing thing. I have it down on my notes but i was prolly off somewhere in wonderland!
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