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Insights, application, wisdom and inspiration from peer-to-peer learning in my Business and Communications Classes, Lectures, Seminars and Consulting Practice.
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January
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- Comm 455
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- Empathy when Emotions High and Trust Low--Comm 150 AM
- Peer-to-Peer: How Organizations Hear!
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- Empathic Listening & the Emotional Bank Account
- Teen Wolf, Michael J. Fox, and Autobiographical Li...
- The 5 branches that lead to effectiveness in any o...
- When emotions are high and trust is low . . .
- The Praiseworthy Principle
- Columbia's Final Mission
- Effective and Efficient Time Management
- Target Client Accounts--Who we choose to work with
- Autobiographical responses vs. empathic listening
- Listening in tough, emotional situations
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January
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Diablo Canyon Nuclear Power Plant
We did Change Management using the OCI (Organizational Culture Inventory)
12 comments:
We spoke today about empathic listening- refining skills as well as developing the proper attitute. We did a role play based on a real life experience that was centered around the concept of peeling the layers, if you will, of the figurative onion; and studied how we could use reflective listening to better understand the needs of the other person (ie whether or not they truly want advice). This posed the question of why people want advice- whether it is a sincere question or a facade that serves as a decoy.
When we were asked to think of a specific situation, my mind was blank. But as Carrie and Brother Adams carried out the role play, the awkwardness of the conversation triggered those uncomfortable feelings I have often had during those highly emotional situations.
I also have personal experience with the advice issue. I have done so before to my sister in the process of venting- but it's not really advice that I want. I want my feelings validated; my behavior confirmed as correct.
I am going to practice using qualifiers, even in seemingly trivial conversation- that way, when a big ordeal comes up, I will be able to be an effective empathic listener, devoid of probing judgments.
principles learned:
1. empathic listening
a. put away agenda
b. trust is built
c. -qualifiers: seems/sounds like
d. used when trust is low, emotions are high
e. validates emotion
f. get what you need in communication/relationships
2. you can have someone listen actively or empathically for you
3. you can probe when trust is high
4. sometimes when listening you only have to peel off some layers of the onion
a. someone else later will come by and be able to peel off even more until the core is exposed
5. saying, “i know you’re busy—just go” is the speaker giving the listener an easy way out
apply these principles:
the main principle i took away from today’s class is that we can get what we need in communicating. we have it in our power to ask someone how we want them to respond and to listen. granted this won’t always work if the person you are communicating with does not have respect for you. however, if we have problems in communicating, it is in our power to find solutions. therefore, i want to try to ask someone i am speaking with to listen empathically.
teach: to james
report:
teaching james about the principle of being able to get what we need in relationships we took it upon ourselves to make the other aware when we are not receiving the things which we think we need. if the problem cannot be remedied, then we want to be open to being able to solve through other means (ie the example of the couple and birthday/anniversary presents)
Today the beginning devotional was from St. John 11:11-14. Matt was the host and he illustrated how the apostles used autobiographical responses. I thought that it was very interesting.
-Capture
Observation
1. There are still some little things that people are having trouble with when it comes to blogging.
2. Carrie is a very good actor.
3. I am becomign more interested in Organizational Consulting and so I talked to Brother
Adams about it. I found out some sources to go to.
-poulsenf.blogspot.com
-vault.com
-Relevance
1. Showing empathy is like an ice berge, most of the information is under the surface. It is not good to probe but we can listen and get the info that way.
2. When we listen we built a lot of trust with people.
3. Try to not have an agenda when you talk to someone. You will find that listening to the person is actually a lot of fun. I have started to do it a little better and I have found out that I learn a lot more that way. I have found that I learn better in my education too.
4. People are like onions, we only can peal off one layer at a time.
5. If we probe when emotions are high then most likely emotions will get even worse. Do not pry.
-Apply
I am going to try to not probe so much and repeat what has been said. I think that I will be a better communicater if I do this.
Capture:
Today in class I learned about the onion effect on people and our listening skills. If you think of listening as an onion....you can't stab stright to the center of the onion. You have to start peeling each layer back before you gain total trust in a person and once you have that trust then you will adventually reach the core of the onion once you have peeled back layer upon layer.
Relevance: (where we see this)
1. work
2. School
3. home
Teach: To my husband
Report: I am not going to teach it to him directly....but I will use this method when we get into a conversation and or little argument.
Key Principles
We need to put aside our own wants, desires, and agendas, when listening.
Probing is not good when trust is low and emotions are high.
Empathic listening includes the following: put away your own agenda, understand feeling, trust is built, use of qualifiers, use when trust is low and emotions are high.
Don't give advice at first. Make sure they really want it.
Don't say "I understand"!
Relevance
We always want to give autobiographical responses. We need to stop using these responses and learn to communicate more effeciently.
When we put aside our own agenda we free our mind to listen.
Saying I understand can make people frustrated.
Apply
When communicating with my mom she always wants to give me advice and talk about her. I can leave the phone away from my ear for about 5 minutes without saying a word. It can be very frustrating for me. Brother Adams gave us some tips to help teach others empathic listening. He said to ask them to repeat what I said back to me, so I can process it twice. He also said we could say, "I really appreciate the advice you give me mom, but today I just want you to listen to what I say and repeat back what I say every now and then."
Teach
When I taught my sister Lauree she thought it was a very good idea, and she wants to try it.
Report
I haven't tried this yet, but I will when I call her next. It will be an interesting experience for me.
Ah, another episode in the story of the role play that won’t die…I don’t mean that in a derogatory way however. Last Monday’s class I felt like I was starting to get the purpose of this role play. I must admit that although the ideas that are being presented by Bro. Adams are not new to me I still fell into the same trap as most of the people in the class; that of trying to get to the bottom of the problem; that of “pseudo-listening” in order to get to my own agenda of trying to find out why in the world Bob (or Tom, or Ferdinand or whatever the guy’s name was) didn’t show up for the meeting.
I understand now that the purpose of the role play is to not get to the bottom of the problem per se, but rather to just listen and try to understand where the other guy is coming from. The important thing wasn’t trying to get as quickly as I could to the answer I wanted but instead to EMPATHIZE (fitting isn’t it?) with Bob (or Joe, or Sam, or whatever).
I don’t know about the rest of you but this skill to me is very provocative. This is something that I honestly, and pardon my language, suck at. The thing right now that I am trying to learn is to be able to imagine in my mind what the other person is talking about and trying to feel what they are feeling. Getting to the bottom of the problem will come in time but for now this is the most important thing.
Principles Learned in the Class
1. Scripture: Matt shared the scripture John 11:11-14, 8:2. The content can be extended to the understanding of conversation that we tend to use autobiographical responses in which we really need to listen without misinterpretation (by judging) and evaluation.
2. We take on an ideal image of oneself by being empathic listener in conversation.
3. Feel the person you are speaking to without your autobiography.
4. First seek to understand and then to be understood in an "appropriate" time.
5. Men and women use different love languages that often cause friction and misunderstanding. At the first step to approach to this difference, it is important to recognize and understand that those differences come from gender difference.
6. While it is important to empathetically listen to speakers without caring about our own communication agenda while listening to him or her, it is reasonable for us to get us what we want, which means it is important to express ourselves in communication without suppressing oneself. Communication consists of mutual understanding of thoughts and feeling.
7. Before you give advice even when someone asks you for your advice, carefully find out that they really want to. Sometimes, people just want you to understand their feeling no matter what advice you give. A given advice can only be effective when they have willing and open ears to listen. Confirm their feeling before you take an action.
* Case Study
o Even though she repeatedly said that she was fine and no need of his help, you could tell clearly that she was in desperation and not fine at all on the contrary to what she was telling him. Observe the interconnection between words to be spoken and facial expression in communication.
o While she was speaking, he did not respond to her with advice and evaluative words. It shows that he was just trying to reflect what she was saying that helped her to know what she was feeling and have a sense of accountability of her feeling. It could be also assumed that she might be testing whether he was a kind of person enough to understand her feeling without him taking his personal agenda into consideration.
Personal Application: I had an impression that it is especially important for me at this time "to first seek to understand and then to be understood at an appropriate time" after learning various principles of communication shown in the above. The principle is likely to be applicable to me especially for women who seem in need of help and advice, but actually just in need of someone to listen to and understand them. I particularly pay attention to a timing to give an advice if needed. I try to refrain from the tendency to give a full of advice as soon as I find out a solution to a problem while a person speaks.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Blog for 1/31/07
Capture
1)Autobiographical responses- Our wants, desires, and agenda.
2)Empathic listening.
3)How does one get to the root of the "onion"?
4)Probing.
5)Asking for advice. Why? Sometimes they just want to get rid of you.
6)Use qualifiers- it seems, it sounds like etc.
Relevance of Key Principle: How does one get to the root of the "onion"?
A large portion of class dealt with the analogy of peeling the layers of an onion back to help someone. We have all had experiences when we have rt or help someone. We usually don't know how to solve the problem right then, it is a process. This process of getting to the root of an individual problem or need is done through emphatic listening. As we have been learning in class, emphatic listening is to be used when trust is low and emotions are high. One must put away their own agenda. They need to reflect feeling and rephrase content. Autobiographical responses must not occur during these listening situations. The idea of probing someone to get immediately to the root of a problem will not work. The layers of the onion must be gently pulled back by listening effectively.
Application
I am continually trying to apply this principle in my interactions with people.
Teach
I will teach my sister, who teaches sixth grade about this principle. She teaches a class on the 7 habits of highly effective people.
Here is a good website that I found about emphatic listening.
www.mindtools.com/Commskll/EmphaticListening.htm
The scripture:
John 11:11-14
11 These things said he: and after that he saith unto them, Our friend Lazarus sleepeth; but I go, that I may aawake him out of sleep.
12 Then said his disciples, Lord, if he sleep, he shall ado well.
13 Howbeit Jesus spake of his death: but they thought that he had spoken of taking of rest in sleep.
14 Then said Jesus unto them plainly, Lazarus is dead.
Here is a great example of listening with autobiographical responses. The Apostles evaluated what the Savior was saying, and jumped to conclusions.
Doctrine And covenants 8:2
2 Yea, behold, I will atell you in your mind and in your bheart, by the cHoly Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.
We must be careful not to use autobiographical responses when listening to the spirit.
Insights:
Today we started learning more of the “how” of empathic listening, not just the “how not” First things first, we must put away our agenda, and just listen. As we listen we should rephrase the content of what the person is saying, and also reflect their emotion. If we can’t quite get it at first we can practice a bit by “parroting”
Also we learned, that after understanding, we can be understood. We can tactfully induce others to meet our communications needs.
Application:
Empathic listening can be used almost everyday. Using it we can solve problems between our roommates, our friends and families. I even had an opportunity to use it while trying to help my roommate fix his car over the phone. (Some of the cables to the starter were loose.)
Also, as far as meeting our needs, everyone needs to be understood. Teaching communication skills to others will always benefit us when we truly need to work out our problems.
Teaching:
I talked with my mother (a great advice giver) over the phone about empathic listening, and how to better use it, especially when working with us, her children.
I had the most wonderful experience utilizing my empathatic listening skills last night. I was talking to my mom on the phone and I tried really hard to leave my agenda aside and only listen to her. I used a lot of qualifiers like, "It seems like you are feeling," "So what your saying is," and other things like that. It worked really well :) She would always respond reassured saying something like, "Yes, that IS how I feel!" The best part of the converstation was that trust was very high so I felt like I could take the opportunity to bring in the gospel. My mother is not LDS, but she does have a very sweet spirit about her. The things that she was telling me made me think about a talk from the October General Conference and after she was done explaining her feelings, I said, "What your going through sounds like something that a church leader from my church talked about before. Can I share with you some of the things he said?" She said yes and she was very intrigued with what I was telling her. I cannot even describe how happy it made me feel to be able to share something about the gospel with her. She thanked me over and over again and asked if I would write down what I told her and mail it to her. I am so excited :) What I learned from this experience is that when we put our agenda aside and exercise empathatic listening, we let the Holy Ghost be included. We are more in tune with the Spirit and we can better communicate.
--- Develop Listening Muscle ---
Even though communication held between friends and families in everyday life sometimes seems unimportant for the eternal perspective, learning an effective communication skill really has helped me a lot motivate me to reconsider and improve my communication style.
It is because I came to realization that what I say and do in every-day communication does influence other's life in some aspects, which ultimately result in making a change in other's life if I could truly understand the consequences of what I do and say in communication in terms of an eternal perspective.
As we learned how engaging in an inconvenient activity everyday life promotes our eternal progression, one of our major inconvenient activities everyday life is likely to be an empathic listening. We do not have to be pessimistic about it! Our communication style are nothing innate for the most part. In other words, it can be trained and improved according to our effort into our choice of what we say and do with others.
Empathic listening is a great way to improve our communication style.
It can be obtained and enhanced by following certain steps constantly as if we train our muscle daily.
Principles learned in the class:
1. Take a broad view of an influence of our communication style toward others
1. eternal progression
2. Who are we talking to? They are all children of the Heavenly Father as well as our brothers and sisters. We are all here on the earth for the same purpose. How can we influence each other for good?
2. Empathic listening
1. we don't do selective listening
2. we apply the principle of Emotional Bank Account
3. Evaluate our communication style [APIE]
* A=advice
* P=proving (question)
* I=interpreting
* E=evaluate
Personal Application: I will enjoy having others express what they truly think and feel by b eing an empathic listener. In order to accomplish this, I will be more attentive to the inclination to evaluate and interpret with my own agenda in conversation. My first priority in communication is to have other feel understood and loved by being a empathic listener. The key to accomplish it will be the willing attitude to "Hear beneath the words to their meaning" as shown in an citation of the below.
"To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the 'music,' but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow our mind's hearing to your ears' natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning." -Peter Senge-
An Web Site Introduction about Empathic Listening:
http://www.habits-of-mind.net/listening.htm
The reason why I picked this is that I learned from this site an empathic listening to be a matter beyond skill. It is to be earned by the inside of our hearts not merely by our minds.
One of the wisdom words as shown in the site is this:
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Mother Teresa
If we truly try to understand and love others, we will soon find ourselves listening empathetically to others talking to us.
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